Powering up

We had an adventurous Memorial Day weekend. We gave the big finger to the gas lords and told'em to suck it. Our fun travels took us to Austin, Comfort, Boerne and Victoria, TX and all the places in between, meeting up with old friends and some new friends. Kale and Mack hung out with 2 sets of beautiful girl twins. One pair invited them for a swim and a BBQ and the other pair took Kale for a ride in their hot pink Barbie Power Wheel around the neighborhood while a tejano station blared from within it. Definitely a sight to see. Us grown-ups partook in some wine drinking, ball hitting, fishing and all sorts of tomfoolery. I've posted new pictures...take a gander.

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**I cannot get this to post with correct spacing. Sorry for the run-on paragraphs.

We visited a couple in Boerne, TX. The husband is a friend of Keith's through work. A lovely couple with twin, four year old, daughters. We brought them a plant (they just moved into their new house) and a nice card for her because she is recovering from a major surgery that removed a large hemangioma from her liver two weeks ago. I believe they're our age or maybe a couple of years older. The kids and our husbands were outside on the patio playing and we sat inside to drink the rest of our coffee and talk.

We spoke of our husbands line of work and kid stuff. Side note: I've been doing a lot of worry-warting about life, my mortality and such. The chances of dying by being diagnosed with a disease and what that would mean to me has been weighing heavily on me lately. I'm not sure why. I suppose it has a lot to do with my Grandfather's death. And, also being a mother and the responsibilities I have as a result of that. Not only the responsibilities, but the wants. The want to see my children grow and flourish. Who doesn't want that? And, why do I feel like that it is inevitable that all this will be taken from me, too soon? It's so fragile and I feel like it's slowly slipping out of my grip. Not that I ever held it. Not that any of us do. I don't usually dwell on these uncertainties. But, lately, it's been different. I feel vulnerable and lost.

As we sat and talked about her surgery, she told me that when the large mass had been identified on her liver by an MRI initially, she was told that it was most likely lymphoma. For 48 hours she and her husband thought she had cancer. After several specialists, they came to a surprising conclusion that it was not cancer and was instead, a rare hemangioma. A miracle. After several months of delaying the surgery, she finally had it removed a couple of weeks ago and the Dr. barely had to remove 3% of her liver.

I looked at her with such admiration because what I fear the most she faced and seemed unfaltered. How'd you do it?, I asked. I have faith, she said. Simple. What a wonderful way to live...to have faith and not crumble. At a time when I could've really used my Grandfather's wisdom and faith based expertise, I had no one to turn to. No one to tell me show me why I believed and why I shouldn't give that up. Sure, we have family and friends that explain the obvious to you, but you and I know that doesn't always hold it together for you. A favorite blogger recently posted about the same thing...

Suddenly I'm facing some very confusing feelings. I'm not going to get too much into that here, only to say that where once I had the Mormon religion to inform me, I'm here now without that safety net trying to piece some things together. Which I guess is a way of saying that I'm still trying to figure out what I believe. And I know that admitting that is going to open me up to all sorts of judgment, but I don't think this makes me much different from a lot of people out there who are also trying to figure it all out. I don't think I'm alone in saying, yeah, I don't know, and I'm mostly okay with that. Sometimes, like right now, I'm not okay with that

She owns up to it and doesn't cop out. Because hell, we don't know. And when you do find out--you're dead. It was a visit that my soul needed. A message was sent and I got it...loud and clear. I felt spiritually strong and invincible again. Faith restored.