Where's the "pause" button?

I was just reading another blog.It was a tragic story. A mother lost her child to an accident on a very normal day. They're always normal days, she says. Maybe I should steer clear of depressing topics. Somehow these things always find me.

For instance, I'll be thumbing through Parents magazine reading on how to make puppets out of old tights before bed (not that I would do that, but Moms who do-- love their kids, and well, you obviously don't...thanks Parents magazine!), Keith will go brush his teeth or take his contacts out and come back to see me wiping away tears because I'm in the midst of an ugly face cry because I'm now reading about a child and his/her battle with cancer. He'll look at me, then peer into the opened magazine to see what I'm reading. He'll say "Babe, that's enough. You shouldn't read those things." Well, why do they put it in the magazine, then????!!!!!!

I've got a big disaster list already...is the car behind me going to stop in enough time, OMG...is that a grape?, Sweet Jesus, the baby is crawling on the tile floor with socks on!, and is that the Doodlebops? Frankly, I don't know if I'd be strong enough to hold that many things together.

Okay, so my boys. Ah, my sweet boys. Their smell, their hair, the little crook in their neck...that's where I want to spend my days. Sometimes I still can't believe we made these little people. You guys were the fastest swimmers. Already high achievers.

And with all that love that fills you up, and up, and up comes great pain. The what ifs. I know that it is a constant battle, nobody is guaranteed anything. You can't focus on what is uncontrollable. Love and be loved and know that it is the best thing that has ever happened to you. I just want to keep my boys close to me-away from danger, away from hurt feelings, away from harsh words, away from bad clothes and finally, away from slutty women. I know, it's too much to ask for.

But, seriously...there is a long road ahead of us (amen to that). A road full of ups and downs, twists and turns and I just hope it gives me time to catch my breath every once in awhile.