Powering up

We had an adventurous Memorial Day weekend. We gave the big finger to the gas lords and told'em to suck it. Our fun travels took us to Austin, Comfort, Boerne and Victoria, TX and all the places in between, meeting up with old friends and some new friends. Kale and Mack hung out with 2 sets of beautiful girl twins. One pair invited them for a swim and a BBQ and the other pair took Kale for a ride in their hot pink Barbie Power Wheel around the neighborhood while a tejano station blared from within it. Definitely a sight to see. Us grown-ups partook in some wine drinking, ball hitting, fishing and all sorts of tomfoolery. I've posted new pictures...take a gander.

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**I cannot get this to post with correct spacing. Sorry for the run-on paragraphs.

We visited a couple in Boerne, TX. The husband is a friend of Keith's through work. A lovely couple with twin, four year old, daughters. We brought them a plant (they just moved into their new house) and a nice card for her because she is recovering from a major surgery that removed a large hemangioma from her liver two weeks ago. I believe they're our age or maybe a couple of years older. The kids and our husbands were outside on the patio playing and we sat inside to drink the rest of our coffee and talk.

We spoke of our husbands line of work and kid stuff. Side note: I've been doing a lot of worry-warting about life, my mortality and such. The chances of dying by being diagnosed with a disease and what that would mean to me has been weighing heavily on me lately. I'm not sure why. I suppose it has a lot to do with my Grandfather's death. And, also being a mother and the responsibilities I have as a result of that. Not only the responsibilities, but the wants. The want to see my children grow and flourish. Who doesn't want that? And, why do I feel like that it is inevitable that all this will be taken from me, too soon? It's so fragile and I feel like it's slowly slipping out of my grip. Not that I ever held it. Not that any of us do. I don't usually dwell on these uncertainties. But, lately, it's been different. I feel vulnerable and lost.

As we sat and talked about her surgery, she told me that when the large mass had been identified on her liver by an MRI initially, she was told that it was most likely lymphoma. For 48 hours she and her husband thought she had cancer. After several specialists, they came to a surprising conclusion that it was not cancer and was instead, a rare hemangioma. A miracle. After several months of delaying the surgery, she finally had it removed a couple of weeks ago and the Dr. barely had to remove 3% of her liver.

I looked at her with such admiration because what I fear the most she faced and seemed unfaltered. How'd you do it?, I asked. I have faith, she said. Simple. What a wonderful way to live...to have faith and not crumble. At a time when I could've really used my Grandfather's wisdom and faith based expertise, I had no one to turn to. No one to tell me show me why I believed and why I shouldn't give that up. Sure, we have family and friends that explain the obvious to you, but you and I know that doesn't always hold it together for you. A favorite blogger recently posted about the same thing...

Suddenly I'm facing some very confusing feelings. I'm not going to get too much into that here, only to say that where once I had the Mormon religion to inform me, I'm here now without that safety net trying to piece some things together. Which I guess is a way of saying that I'm still trying to figure out what I believe. And I know that admitting that is going to open me up to all sorts of judgment, but I don't think this makes me much different from a lot of people out there who are also trying to figure it all out. I don't think I'm alone in saying, yeah, I don't know, and I'm mostly okay with that. Sometimes, like right now, I'm not okay with that

She owns up to it and doesn't cop out. Because hell, we don't know. And when you do find out--you're dead. It was a visit that my soul needed. A message was sent and I got it...loud and clear. I felt spiritually strong and invincible again. Faith restored.

Where are my no-crazy pills? Gawd. I need 'em.

The days leading up to my monthly "visitor" are...uh...let's see...how do I say...HELLISH? Oh yeah they are. And every month when I get to this point, I don't realize what it is I'm actually dealing with until the crazy hormones are about to leave the building. Why? Why can't I just recognize it immediately and come to terms with it. Nope. It'd be too easy.

I went to Target today and probably complained about 13 things to Keith while I was driving there. Luckily, Keith humors me and lightens my mood. But, that's not so easy to do in person. I told him I was definitely buying a bottle of wine to crack open after the kids went to bed tonight. He told me to not open it in the store because he could picture me asking a Target Team Member for a plastic cup. I'd like to see them try and stop me.

"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married" --H.L. Mencken

Yesterday was our dating anniversary of 13 years. And, coupled with life and all of its' daily requirements, that was too much pressure to put on a regular mid-week day. So, the day exploded and showered us with all of its' blood and guts. We were a mess and it took all day to clean that crap up. Luckily, only us adults had to do the cleaning. Both of us were right and both of us were wrong, we just couldn't make the other see the other's perspective. So be it. I think when you go to apply for your marriage license, you should also be assigned a marital referee. Someone who is readily available to step in, listen to both sides and then mediate. (To the man) What she is saying is ... and what you are failing to realize is... Okay, so that may be a biased referee, but you get the idea.

I think we are all aware that there are major differences between man and woman. The fact that men and women find each other cute and easy to get along with so much so that they decide to take vows in front of their families and friends promising to hold them for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, and to love and to cherish them forever is wonderful and crazy at the same time. But, we are in fact crazy in love.

Thirteen years ago, we were in San Antonio with our friends after attending our Senior Prom. (*a trip that I WOULD NEVER ALLOW Kale or Mack to take!!!!!!!!! Funny how those ideas seem ludricous to me as a parent now. Are you crazy? Driving to another city in a van with your crazy friends while y'all laugh and talk loudly which will undoubtedly distract the driver?!?! And exit the freeway so fast that your friend almost flips the car and splatters you and your new boyfriend's (insert girlfriend, or not) brain on the feeder road?!?! Sorry, Mom, and thanks for letting me go. And on Mother's Day weekend, no less.) Anyway, we were kids in...er...love, oh, I don't know what you'd call it. We certainly called it love, but looking back...can 17/18 year olds be in love? Maybe. We knew we liked each other and took it from there.

We grew up together, studied and paid bills together. We fought and we laughed and we were happy. Happy to have found each other. Throughout these years, we've held on tightly for whatever the tide would bring. Sometimes the water is calm and serene and you float on through enjoying the scenery and what this life together has brought you. And other times, the waves are forceful and crashing, but you both continue to hold on making sure the other person is safe and isn't letting go. We're not racking up years. We're traveling...and its' been a vacation.

Oh, Momma!

My Mother's Day weekend started Saturday morning when my Mother whisked me away for a $$$ haircut and pedicure. Wowza. It felt good. My hair was begging for attention. And my feet? Well, they had started forming the letters S.O.S on my heels. My Mom always knows what I need and she never fails to deliver. Coupled with the waxing and threading I had gotten on Friday I'd had a complete overhaul by noon on Saturday. I felt like a million bucks. I felt like the car that got the $8 car wash. Thanks Mom, you just added 1.5 years to my shelf life!

After that, we hit the road to Grandma's. And any trip worth taking to Victoria should not be without Hinze's BBQ in Wharton, TX and don't forget the big disc of peanut brittle to snack on for the rest of the drive. Perfect lunch in the country.

Our Sunday morning started bright and early with church, brunch and sno-cones to take back to Grandma's house. Kale made my Mother's Day the best one yet because soon after arriving to the restaurant he asked to "go potty"! That was the first time he's ever pee'd in a public restroom. (We just started seriously potty training last week). I was so impressed and excited. Buying diapers for only one child???? That may give me enough $ to get a haircut more than once a year, but I won't count on it.

On our way home we stopped by my Grandfather's grave. I thanked him for being such a great Grandfather and for teaching me how to be a parent. He taught me so much about patience and selflessness...the 2 things you need the most in order to be a mother.

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Sunday evening was spent with Keith's Mother and sister. We were there to celebrate Mother's Day, but also to offer our condolences for the loss of H & R's beloved pet, Mocha, a tan cocker spaniel. It was unexpected, but a peaceful departure. H & R got Mocha around the same time Keith and I started dating in 1995. I remember going to visit in Bryan, TX and playing around with this cute little puppy. Keith was cute, but she was cuter. Mocha was a spit-fire and not much phased her when she was determined. She will be greatly missed.

Balancing Act

Look at this kid. What is wrong with this picture? Reason #5233445 Mack cannot be trusted. He's a daredevil. A few other things he did today to make me pull my hair out...I mean, smile: pulled a half eaten banana out of the trash and started to eat it, pulled coffee grounds out and sprinkled them around the kitchen, dumped the dog water out for the 85th time, tried to eat the dog/cat food and rummaged through all my newly folded clothes. But, he's so gosh darn cute. Trouble.

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Sometimes when I'm here at home, I remove myself from the moment, and try to digest what I'm saying. I never imagined what being a parent would be like and it amazes me how much patience it takes each day to raise kids. I don't think I can go 5 minutes without saying one word everyday. These are random things I say on a constant basis:

1. Don't do that.
2. Please stop doing that.
3. How many times do I have to tell you to stop that?
4. Don't touch your booty, you'll get sick.
5. (To Mack) Don't hit your brother with the golf club, that's not nice.
6. Get off of there.
7. You're going to fall.
8. Are you okay?
9. Where does it hurt?
10. Take your shoe out of your mouth...that's dirty!
11. Sit down.
12. Sit still.
13. Scoot your chair back in.
14. You are not done with dinner.
15. Drink your milk.
16. Sit down.
17. No, standing in the high chair is not allowed (Mack!)
18. Do not spit your food out (Mack).
19. For godsakes, here's your damn bottle.
20. Do not head butt your father in the privates.

The list is endless. Two of my favorites: good morning and good night...it's a double edged sword.

Baby Fashion

Tom Cruise...ugh! But, Suri?, cutie pie. Remember when all the celebrity babies were photographed with Avent bottles? Okay, maybe you don't. I do. Avent was the shit. It was the Juicy Couture of milk drinkers.

Now, Suri's swanging Playtex. Oh yeah. I have four of them sitting right next to my sink that need washing...are you jealous???? I've never considered myself a fashion guru or trendsetter. I give partial credit to Mack. I introduced a bottle to Mack for supplemental feedings (when I wasn't readily available) and he hated our Avent inventory from Kale's bottle days. I tried several different bottles/nipples before settling with Playtex. I want to show him the all the pictures of Suri holding her Playtex bottle, but I don't think he'd appreciate it. Look, baby, you drink from Playtex bottles, too...just like the celebrity babies.

But, when Suri is all grown up, doing lines of coke, landing naked roles in major motion pictures and my son buys tickets to go see her milk machines...I'll be sure to tell him that they have something in common. And, I'm sure he'll tell all his friends...that his mother is a weird-o.

Head over heels

I came across a book dedication and it moved me to tears. It's simple, but unique. It is the sort of thing I wish I had written, but I didn't. So, the fourth best thing to do is copy and paste it here. Everyday I find myself falling more and more in love with my boys. I can't help it and I know I'm not the only one. Sigh.

Thank you for choosing me to mother you. Thank you for sneaking in through my window and saying "Boo! Here I am!" Thank you for stirring and purring and screaming and crying and laughing and talking and standing and jumping. You are my exclamation point in a world of dot-dot-dots. You are my star in a sky muted by city lights. You are my sun. My son. My sun.
-Rebecca Woolf, "Rockabye: From Wild to Child"

A Lazy Sunday

Our morning was slow, all we did was...
3 diaper changes
2 change of clothes
3 bowls of cereal
1 bottle and baby food
a slew of Cheerios
clean kitchen
wash dishes and bottles
shredding of mail
watched Vh1, Classical Baby, Little Bill, Little Einsteins, Oswald and Little People dvd...none of them in their entirety
cleaned litter pan
blew up inflatable gym for shredded paper fun
and when it was all done...the time was 9:01 a.m.

It is now 10:08 a.m. and the littlest one is down for a nap and we can take a break, the three of us. It's tough having a gangsta baby. You ate a lot, you ate a lot, don't choo even worry...

Thirtysomething

I was invited out by the wife of Keith's co-worker this past week. A girls night out at a local bar on Karaoke night. I thought about it, talked to Keith about it and decided to go. I'm glad that I did, because she and her friends were cool and we had a great time. But, I can't say it didn't feel oddly strange. Everything changes with age and I quickly realized why I don't do those things that often. I didn't get trashed, but I did stay out late talking and laughing and my kids show no mercy in the morning. One of the girls asked me if I had to go into work the next morning. I told her "yup, my job starts at 6:45 a.m. and doesn't end until 8:30 p.m.". She said she'd told her boss that she would be in after lunch...if only I could.

I don't have to get dressed up for my job, put on make-up or commute. I don't get vacation days, lunch breaks or money in exchange for my hard work. My compensation comes in a different form. There's no right way or wrong way for any woman. I know stay at home moms don't know how the working mom can do it all, but she does. And there are working moms who don't know how stay at home moms can do it all, but they do. I just feel lucky to have a family that draws me in and makes my life home.